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Smell my cheese you mother: Curb Your Enthusiasm

16 Mar

My Hero.

In Curb Your Enthusiasm, we are invited to delve into Larry David’s world and the imbiciles and berks who inhabit it with him.  For Larry, like Satre, hell is other people and he just cannot shake them no matter how hard he tries. Every episode, guaranteed to provide a belly-full of laughs and a big handful of squirmy I-can’t-watch moments, presents us moral dillemmas and questions our understanding of social etiquate.

When IS it too late to call someone at home in the evening? DO you shake someone’s hand if you’ve just met but you saw them sneeze?  Loads of the episodes also feature awesome encounters with food and dining and my favourite are listed below:
10. Larry, summing up what alot of us must feel from one time to another asks: “What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?”
9. In another of his surreal too-much-time-on-his-hands moments, Larry – stuffing fruit into his mouth – ponders “How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time?”

8. Another day, another awkward confrontation.
Larry is out for lunch and muses: “I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I’d like to make a few substitutions, if that’s OK. I’ll get… no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.”… to which Cliff Cobb asks: “Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?”
Larry interjects: “Do you have a problem with it?”
Cliff Cobb: “It’s my grandfather’s salad. I’m a Cobb of Cobb salad fame.”
Larry goes in for the home-run: “I think that this is a real bull shit story.”
7. The amazing Suzie Greene, wife of gorgeous Geoff,  is showing Larry a gawdy, horrific sequined top she has made: “Now, is this cute? I mean how much fun is this? Huh? Great, right?”… Larry respond “You know, it’s nice… Not quite my cup of tea, but… y’know, uh, it’s nice.” Not standing for this Susie bites back: “All right, you know what? Fuck you… and fuck your tea.” And that’s one of her more gentler moments. Seriously.
6. Cantankerous Larry suspects that Alan has stolen the prawns from his dinner and will NOT let it drop…
Larry: How were the garlic noodles the other night?
Alan Wasserman: What?
Larry: The garlic noodles?
Alan Wasserman: I didn’t touch your garlic noodles.
Larry: I didn’t say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
Alan Wasserman: Right.
Larry: But you did touch the shrimp.
5. More reflections from Larry, “Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.”

4. Alarmed by the low number of cashew nuts in the Health-Glo Brand of mixed nuts (which David Schwimmer’s (fictitious) dad owns) causes Larry to declare: “The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!”
3. Larry David is describing a Swiss Army knife and asks if his companion knows what Switzerland is. He sums it up thus: “Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate”

2. Still mad at the world, Larry goes to buy some ice-cream only to be utterly maddened by the ‘sampler abuser” at the ice-cream store who goes through every flavour before settling on vanilla. I am whole and sqaure behind him on this one!!

1. Larry David has a sandwich invented for him at his deli.  However, there’s a problem.  His sandwich has white fish, sabel, capers, onions, and cream cheese. It sounds, and no doubt tastes, disgusting. Larry unsuccessfully tried trading it with Ted Danson for his sandwich which was infinately miles more popular.
So. Some pretty pretty pretty pretttttty good quotes there. Did I miss any rippers? Any Larry moments that you love? X


Smell My Cheese You Mother: Arrested Development

22 Feb
Come on!

Absolutely amazing, this American show focuses on the Bluth family; the members of whom are living dysfunctional and extravagant lives, despite the patriarch being banged up for dodgy dealing and as a result, the money being pretty thin on the ground.

Below are my favourite scenes – involving food and drink – from the show…

10 Michael: “Well, you certainly haven’t been shopping. The only thing I found in the fridge was a dead dove in a bag…” to which struggling magician Gob replies: “You didn’t eat that, did you?”

9 Tobias Fϋnke – Lindsey’s husband, never-nude and sometimes Blue Man is desperately struggling to become an actor, throwing money at Carl Weathers a respected actor he asks: “Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?”, Carl responds: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going.”.. Tobias responds: “Yes, that’s fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.” Carl Weathers responds: “Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I’d go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup… baby, I got a stew going.”
Tobias: pause… “I think I’d like my money back.”

8 At a house party at the Bluth family home, the following exchange takes place:

Michael: “There’s more to life than strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?” to which Gob unabashed replies…”It’s not real blood. It’s corn syrup and red dye… juice.” Unable to contain his glee: Buster squeals: “There’s unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.”

7 Tobias Fϋnke, while at a western-themed resort: “Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.”

6 Whilst discussing a business deal regarding a new property development –

Michael: “What do you think of when you hear the name, ‘Sudden Valley’?”
George Michael Bluth: “Salad dressing. But I don’t want to eat it.”
Michael: “What about, ‘Paradise Gardens’?” to which George Michael Bluth responds “Yeah… that’s better. I can see myself marinating a chicken in that.”

5 The Bluth family have, for a long time, run a Frozen Banana stand, together Michael and George Michael are watching the banana stand burn to the ground. Michael remarks: “This is going to be our best summer ever.” Gob scoots up on behind them on his segway… And listens to Michael “You mailed that insurance check, right, Gob?” Gob scoots off, Michael chases after him…

4. A tender meal shared with Mother and Daughter –

Lindsay Fϋnke: “Did you enjoy your meal, Mom?… You drank it fast enough” to which Lucilee icily replies.. “Not as much as you enjoyed yours.. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.”

3 Gob’s acting as CEO of the family company… in the break room he starts shoutingThe worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.”

2 Tobias Fϋnke is acting as ‘Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom’ in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he can act (yes, copying the plot of Mrs Doubtfire…) he says “A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way…” and later,  O-kay, who’d like a banger in the mouth? … to laughter he follows up “Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.”

1 Michael’s discussing his son’s new girlfriend and tries to be reassuring “I’m sure Egg is a great person.  George Michael, looking crestfallen, “It’s… it’s Ann.”

Smell my cheese you mother: Nighty Night

18 Feb
Piccy from BBC.

Nighty night is one of the darkest comedies to ever appear on my tellybox. If you’ve missed it, it’s billed as “a West County Fatal Attraction” and the story focuses on Jill Tyrell’s narcissistic and deranged plans to bed her neighbour’s husband and neglect her own husband who has a terminal illness.  So macabre. It has some outrageous scenes involving food and booze too and my top ten are here…

10 After inviting herself into a dinner party at her neighbours house – by attaching a note saying “unfortunately it is spotting out here” to a stick and poking it through their window – Jill remarks “I know Cathy didn’t want me here tonight, but I have bought us all a pinot grigio (pronouncing it ‘peanut greegio’) and that was £7.99…we can square up later.. or else it just get’s nasty…”

9 Speaking to the Vicar, Jill laments “personally I am quite drained Gordon, being one of life’s givers. Never stop to ask myself ‘How are you Jill, what do you need Jill, want another sausage roll Jill? Yes please”. Before stuffing her mouth and strutting off in another of her hot outfits.

8 Don makes an advance towards the pretty nurse who works with him delivering the finest chat-up line I have ever heard “how do you fancy coming for a drink and a sausage in a basket?”

7 Jill’s on her first blind date with Glen, flicking through the menu she complains that £6 seems a lot for a risotto, Glen pipes up that he’ll readily pay. Quick as a flash Jill orders her meal: “Fillet steak and a bowl of chips as a starter… and a glass of champagne”.

6 Another day, another advance from Jill: “I’ve got some ravioli in the back Don; we could share some meaty cushions…”

5 Jill invites Don and Cath for dinner at her place.  Whilst Cath is stranded outside in her wheelchair, being attacked by a yappy little mutt, Jill asks “would you stomach a bit of tongue Don” suggestively before listing the contents of her meaty buffet: ox, lamb, deer, sheep, duck…” utterly grim.

4 At the very same dinner party, Jill informs Cathy not to worry about the meat she’s just been served as “it’s mostly gristle” and then presents Don with “smashed prawns in a milky basket”.

3 Whenever Sue eats anything Jill (totally deadpan) asks: “how many of those have you had Sue…”. Literally genius.

2 Whilst pretending to give birth, Jill shouts to Glen “It’s a bloodbath in here”, his response: “it’s like a lamb bhuna out here…” makes me laugh and feel very very wrong all at once.

1 And last but not least, Jill’s oft-remarked lament: “Cappucinno’d be nice..”

So, how’s you? And did I miss any classic moments?? x


9 Feb

Oooh ladyboy

Food and telly goes together like bacon and eggs, like a couch and a potato, like a hangover and an empty wallet.

And so, under the title of “smell my cheese, you mother”  – a reference to a superb moment in Alan Partridge, when the eponymous hero goes off-line whilst at a meeting with the BBC – I will pen a series of blog posts on some of the awesome moments of food on the telly.

First up: Alan Partridge and my top ten food moments:

10 – When talking to his long-suffering PA Lynne, Alan remarks: “Right, dry skin cream. I’m having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack” thus ruining the appeal of flapjacks in one stroke.

9 – During a phone in with farmers, Alan responds to one who fails to appreciate his joke: “a bit slow on the uptake there, dunno what he had for breakfast this morning… Presumably an infected spinal column in a bap.” Whilst later being remonstrated for insulting farmers (and accusing them of feeding beefburgers to swans), he retracts his statement on spinal columns in a bap.. only to reiterate that he should have said baguette as the spinal column would have fit better in a baguette.

8 – Alan is being shown around his big bastard house, it’s going well, talking to the estate agent he says “Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It’s like being inside an enormous Fox’s Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus.”  Couldn’t agree more.

7 – Hanging out in his favourite petrol station one day, and after he eats an apple pie heated in a microwave, Alan exclaims ‘How long did you put that in for Lynn? It’s hotter than the sun!’ a phrase I have consistently used since.

6 –  Alan learns that he has not been commissioned for a second series and that the deal on his dream house has fallen through. He laments to Lynne: ‘I just want to be able to say “I’m Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don’t know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn’t know you’d moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I’m having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I’d love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kievs?”, “I love them! But my wife’s vegetarian”, “Doesn’t matter. She can have fish”, “No she won’t eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me.’ In perhaps the finest soliloquy ever committed to film.

5 – Settling down with his Ukrainian girlfriend and a motley selection of friends, Alan plans to embark on a James Bond marathon (with time scheduled in for fish-quilks and the like) Lynn spills Sunny Delight and ruins his entire James Bond video collection, a furious Alan takes a hammer and all his boxes of cereal outside the caravan. ‘What you doing Mr Partridge?’ ‘I’m destroying my cereals.’ Genius.
4 – A business meeting in his travel tavern finds Alan talking to two Irish television producers about the Irish Potato Famine. To grim faces all around he remarks ‘At the end of the day, they will pay the price for being a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, they could afford to eat at a modest restaurant.’ Almost as epic as his comments on Sunday Bloody Sunday.

3 – After accidentally inventing a chaser consisting of a pint, a (small) baileys Irish cream and a gin and tonic, there can be only one response: ‘Ooh Ladyboys’. Having tried these mothers myself I can only say… Oooh ladyboys.
2 – Alan is commissioned to make a  documentary for canal boats. Whilst onboard he boasts: ‘This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let’s take a look…not a trace! Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.’ Needless to say using the phrase “little babe” when describing sundries always brings a smile to my face. Classic.
1 – In at number one, can only be the “Valance moment.” Alan is seducing Gill – a red haired lady with a cigarette in her mouth- who worked in his office and who has confirmed she does like him “sex-wise” before joining him for a romantic valentines dinner (with a 12-inch plate, no less). They decide to retreat back to his room, with a bottle of bubbly and chocolate pudding.. only for Alan to be plunged into terror at what he mistakes for a dirty protest when Gill tries to get frisky with her food. Absolute telly gold.
Did I miss any classic moments involving food? If so stick them in comments and in the meantime I will think about other tellybox programmes I love with super foody moments… x